Change Can Lead To Letting Go

By Patricia Hubbard

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?

"Make me one with everything." When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill.

The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"

The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

That Yogi must have felt betrayed, cheated and angry to be taken advantage of because of who he was.

Just what does that mean to you, change must come from within? Your loved one has left and YOU must change from within??

After being left behind by someone we thought would be there forever and always, changing our hearts, changing who we are, is a difficult thing to consider, much less do. Whether they left because of personal choice or because of death, the emptiness is the same.

Being left behind is like being in the middle of the swirls of water going down a huge drain. The "circling" leaves one dizzy and disoriented, unsure. An array of emotions floods the psyche.... fear, anger, resentment and even bitterness occur.

Anger is there because it happened, wondering why it happened and anger at oneself for not seeing the warning signs. ·

Fear of what unknown is lurking around the corner. ·

Bitterness that "it happened to me!" ·

Resentment that this singleness necessitated change, changes in finances, housing, friends, job choices and plans for the future. Changes not asked for.

Some results of Change

Change can be good.

Change is not always welcomed.

Change brings about new and perhaps untried experiences.

Change infers letting go.

Change can be good. But, why is letting go so hard?

Letting go means giving up power, especially hard for an independent person. When we are accustomed to being in control of part of the "reins" we feel a little more confident, in charge, but when that power is gone, our self-confidence seems to slide away.

When the reins have been taken away from us, our next step is to learn to accept, and then trust.

Trust is a monumental task at times. It requires us to humble ourselves and admit someone else is in charge. Expecting someone to trust, who has been recently betrayed is expecting a great deal. We could liken it to a person who has picked up a hot frying pan and burned his hand. Chances are that he or she will use a "potholder" next time. A person who has been "burned" will have difficulty trusting even his/her own self, much less someone else. That "potholder" could translate to holding people at a distance, shielding one's heart from further pain .

How long this condition goes on, is up to the damaged person. He or she may choose to stew in their own juices for a period of time until they recognize that is a non-productive way of life. Holding on to bitterness, resentment, anger and fear does create a sort of juice in the body that can become toxic and turn on the body, in a form of illness. The choice to change that situation is strictly personal. Change succeeds only when it is accepted and looked forward to, as a new beginning.

So, how do we get past that "getting burned" to trusting again?

Learn all you can about trust.

Trust yourself to use good judgment.

Know in whom you are placing your trust.

Are they trustworthy?

How do you know?

What do you know about them?

Why should you trust them?

What do you have to lose if you place your trust in this person?

Are you fooling yourself? Trust, wrongly placed, is just as destructive as pulling into your shell for a long period of time. Trust, like a seed, must grow at its own pace; the flower will not appear until the seed is fully matured. Taking time to get to really know the people in your life serves not only you, but takes the focus off of you and places it onto other people. Taking time to know others helps you to know you.

Pay attention to how much they pay attention to you.

Do you feel valued?

Are they interested in what and who you are?

Or are they still in the 15-year-old stage; does the world even extend past their own fingertips?

Is it all about them? The closer you "pay attention," the better you will be at knowing who to trust and who not to trust.

You may even find that the changes in your life have become a good thing.
For more tips and tools on how to survive divorce and loss and make healthy relationship choices you are invited to visit http://www.butterflyintonewlife.com

Patricia Hubbard has Facilitated a Support Group for Separated, Divorced and Widowed people for the past 12 years.

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How To Develop Trust In A Relationship

By: Brenda Shoshanna

When distrust, arises in a relationship there are many factors which can be causing it. Unless we understand where these feelings are coming from, it becomes easy to act out, blame the partner and put all kinds of unhealthy demands upon them. We can even believe that they are cheating when they are not.

When feelings of distrust arise, some begin to create more and more restrictions upon the partner, demand more information and make them feel closed in. This often can be the beginning of the end. In all relationships every individual needs time alone, time with friends and of course time together.

When we take away a person's individuality and freedom to grow, sooner or later the individual feels trapped. Not only does this destroy your partner's trust and good feelings about themselves, but they can easily grow to feel that there is no way to ever make you secure and happy.

The best way to develop trust is to take a moment to first understand some basic laws of healthy relationships, and what love truly means.

Loving another person does not mean possessing them, or having them there to make you feel better about yourself. This is not loving or respectful of who they are. Instead we are turning them into an object, who exists to meet our needs. We are then, not loving, but using that person.

We all must develop basic trust in our partners and ourselves from within. If a partner is truly not deserving of trust, then tracking their behavior and restriction their lives will not help at all. In fact, it usually makes matters worse. The person simply goes underground, or finds other ways to sabotage the relationship, in order to gain their freedom.

Some individuals are filled with distrust because they never resolve past hurts about being cheated on in former relationships. They then project this hurt and insecurity upon the partner they are with now. A current relationship cannot take away old wounds. Each person must take time and responsibility to work through what happened and the feelings they were left with as a result of it. Sooner or later they must realize that their partner is different and their situation is a new one as well.

If one requires that their present partner take away the pain they are feeling, they are looking in the wrong direction. No matter how loving a person is, no matter how solid the relationship, they cannot take away pain and confusion that exists within oneself. Each person must face their feelings and work them through on their own.

There are many ways to build self-esteem and to feel safe once again. Just as we work out in a gym each day, we need to work on ourselves emotionally to build the strength we need to combat fear and negativity. One exercise that can be used is - to consciously look for the good - both in your partner and yourself. Whenever you find yourself dwelling upon negativities step back, take a deep breath, and consciously choose to focus upon what is good and right in both of you. This will create calm, balance and positivity.

Doing this exercise, becoming calm and positive will not cause you to gloss over reality, but to be able to be focused and even better aware of what's going on. Needless to say, in cases where the partner does not deserve to be trusted, when there is clear evidence of wrong doing, if you are calm and positive, you will then be able to make healthier, constructive choices for yourself.

Hear men tell you why they left and what is needed in top relationship program Why Men Leave, http://www.whymenleave.com . Psychologist, Founder of Everyone Wins Mediation, relationship and divorce mediator, has helped thousands find fair solutions. Free ezine and articles, http://www.brendashoshanna.com-:topspeaker@yahoo.com - http://www.mediate.com/everyonewins . (212) 288-0028. Talks, workshops and consultations.

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