Dating Relationships Outside Marriage - What Is The Allure?

By Francis K. Githinji

Is it possible to engage in romance relationships outside wedlock? It is considered taboo, but how ironical. Many "happily married couples" are busy in dating relationships with one or several partners without the knowledge of their spouses. Affairs outside marriage relationships are generally frowned upon by the very same people who are in the practice. Talk of an ostrich burying it's head in the sand. Relationships outside marriage are a reality and they are with us. What prompts a person to leave the precincts of holy matrimony and venture into the unknown? Does it mean the pastures are greener outside there? Or have the pastures at home become unpalatable? Relationships are complex institutions and the marriage institution is no better. A marriage is full of Waterloos and if you miss one you are bound to encounter another. You tread with a lot of care and caution.

The sweetness of stolen waters is legendary. Otherwise why would a self respecting person who has a partner in a marriage union have romance relationships on the periphery? The fear of being caught or discovered by your partner while making love with another person is nerve raking. It makes the body to be highly alert. To be precise, the body is ready for flight. The whole body is drenched in adrenaline. This only serves to fuel sexual excitement in a person. The more the adrenaline the more sexual hormones are released. Sexual excitement, desire and urge surges to unprecedented levels. Sex at this juncture is just overwhelming, simply unbelievable. Not to be compared to the routine sex in marriage relationships. Sex in such dating relationships hardly fades from your memory. A journey through the path of sexual healing. No wonder it is so sweet to stray.

Unfulfilled expectations inside the marriage relationships is what makes many couples to search for better fodder. Relationships are mind games and you have to be at the top of the game at all times. If you fail to control the game well, it goes out of hand. Your partner must feel loved and appreciated. Make them feel that they are special to you and they mean a whole world to you. Always keep fueling their interest or someone else will catch their interest. If there is no romance they will look for romance relationships. If you do not keep re-inventing your relationship with new innovative things to keep the fire burning, they will be tempted to start new dating relationships. Be a person of surprise and mystery and your partner will always be hanging by your every word. Wondering which type of hat trick you are trying to cook this time.

In spite of all this, the bedroom remains the all time marriage relationships spoiler. The bedroom is the fireworks theatre where all the passions are consummated. The highest levels of intimacy are expressed here. Lack of enough fire in the bedroom marks the beginning of romance relationships and other dating relationships as couples try to escape the coldness in the marital bedroom. In their quest to re-ignite their sex lives, they stray into strange beds which offer them sexual experiences that were lacking previously in the bedroom.

Francis K. Githinji Is A Online Dating Expert. His Latest Project Dating Relationships Shows How The Power Of Online Dating Can Be Harnessed Internationally and With Great Success, Or You Could Post Your Valued Comments On His Blog At Dating Relationships

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The Infidelity Coach Helps Language Her Pain over the Extramarital Affair

By Robert Huizenga

Shifting one's focal point away from the "offending" spouse and toward declaring one's standards and position is difficult but necessary in surviving infidelity. It is a key ingredient in healing and often is a factor in saving a marriage that wants to be saved. The example below touches on this process.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one's spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The "offended spouse" says:

It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his life. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot "own" what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don't trust myself to pick another partner. I don't want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.

Section 2: Possible action steps from the Coach:

>Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.

>Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.

Section 3: What the affair means for the "offended spouse" and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

>This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.

>I want us to create a cordial relationship. I hope you want a cordial relationship as well.

>There are some standards I have for a relationship. I want to work on setting those standards, and want to talk to you about them.

>I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I question whether a calm loving relationship is possible.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don't hold back. Then, ask yourself, "What does this marital affair mean for ME?" What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, CSW, LMFT, The Infidelity Coach, is an author, and Marriage and Family Therapist. For the past two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in the area of marital infidelity. He is author of "Break Free From The Affair." For information on his E-book go to: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/ebook.htm

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