Relationship Advice From My Ex-Husband

By Myla Madson

The Internet is full of relationship advice. There are more self proclaimed relationship experts out there than there are couples that are in need of their help. So, I thought I would shine a different light on the subject and present you with...relationship advice from my Ex.

Out of 1,000 men who were asked if they knew what their wife's favorite flower was, 999 of them said, Pillsbury. The other guy said he had no idea, but that if he could get his wife to cook, there would not be any problems in their relationship in the first place.

It's not about the quality of the sex; it's all about the quantity, why can't women get that?

Of course men have "feelings" and "wants"... I want a beer now, I feel like watching football now, I want you naked now, I want you to stop talking now. In fact, men probably have more "feelings" than women do.

It's NOT the dress that makes you look fat.

I think Albert Einstein said it best when discussing why so many marriages fail; "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed". I certainly think men are on the losing side of this equation.

If a woman would look at a potential spouse and ask the question... Is this the guy I want my future children to spend their weekends with? Maybe they wouldn't have so much to complain about all the time.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth...Deal with it.

If women could apply the same logic they use when informing us guys how stupid it is to watch race cars go around in circles for five hours to the idea of spending fifty bucks to get their nails done every two weeks, the divorce rate could be cut in half.

Before getting married, a man should have a clear idea on what "forever" actually means...sex with the same woman for the rest of your life!

The secret to a successful marriage is to not be around each other to much.

And there you have it. It's clearly evident, at least it is to me, that men and women are different.

Seems so obvious, but when you're in a relationship, many couples often fail to make this distinction and aren't willing to allow the possibility of conflicting views without it turning into a true relationship conflict.

I certainly understand this now but I realize it would not have saved our marriage anyway. The comment that it wasn't the dress that made me look fat, was completely unforgiveable and certainly grounds for divorce!

Want more "Relationship Advice" from the mind of Myla Madson? Check out her new website devoted to herself at http://www.MylaMadson.com

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Trying to Establish a Relationship with In-Laws

By Mary Ann Copson

Here's a simple question that came up in Personal Coaching session:

"My husband and I have been married for five years and his family is still a mystery to me. I've tried everything I know to develop a closer relationship with them. I call his parents at least once a week, set up outings and dinner dates with them, and invite them on our excursions. All to no avail. They simply don't seem interested. I think that close family relationships are important and I've told them how much I would like to get to know them better. And still their response is lukewarm. Should I just give up?"

Research shows that when we feel emotionally disconnected from those with whom we are in relationship, our emotional brain becomes aroused and we move into flight or fight mode. This means we respond only in terms of defense and attack. The results are not good for our relationships and it throws our physiology into chaos.

Nothing affects the emotional brain like the quality of your relationships. Women are relationship oriented - Relationships mean a lot to women. A good relationship can give you increased energy and support a positive outlook. A troubled relationship can wear you out. The health and wellbeing of your relationships entrains your emotional brain, which in turn governs your physiological health.

When you are engaged in disconnected, turbulent, or emotionally unfulfilling relationships, your moods and energy can become drained, negative, and nonsustaining.

By contrast, relationship peace and connection can lead to better health and well-being, more vital energy and more positive moods. By almost every measure those who have close and rewarding relationships do better than those who have turbulent relationships.

Often times in relationships we are looking to the other party to be an equal part of turning the relationship into something that meets our needs. But before we even get to that point there is a lot of our own internal work that can be done and often needs to be done before we can experience the kind of relationships we want.

In a situation like you are experiencing the first place to look at would be the whole issue of your need to have close family relationships. It is so important to be aware of our needs and then to find a way to get those needs met. Asking for what you need from friends and family can be wonderful and successful tactic to help get those needs taken care of. But, there are pitfalls in that process.

You may be asking your husband's family to fulfill a need of yours that they are not capable of fulfilling - particularly in a way that is satisfying to you. If you have a need for close family relationships, you have to match up with someone who likes to give close family relationships. It makes no sense to keep coming to the tropics when you want to be snow skiing. They may be doing the best they can but simply not be able to do what it is you need.

If you have a need for this experience of close family relationships and your in-laws don't seem to be able to meet that need - find another way. Perhaps it is more fulfilling for you (and less stress on them) if you fill your need by developing close relationships with other members of the family.

Also, it is a useful insight to discover what is underlying this need. Maybe, these close family relationships make you feel connected and secure in a caring network. If that is the case, there are many means to experience this type of connection - become a Big Sister or get involved in a local charity organization. Once you discover the essence of your need there are many ways to get that need met.

Could be that your in-laws are already experiencing a close family relationship with you. Maybe their lukewarm response is their idea of a close family relationship and it could help you if you found out what their ideal family interactions are like. Some people can feel well connected to friends and family and not see or speak with them for months or even years. You all might be in agreement on the basic outcome of the relationships - it is just that the ways and means that don't mesh.

Maybe they don't like doing the things the things you like to do - find out what their favorite things to do are. Sitting home and watching TV might be their preference and they aren't so fond of dinners out and excursions to new places.

There is a quote by Gandhi that says, "Be the change you want to see in the world." This is wonderful advice for a relationship. Often we come to a relationship seeking something outside of ourselves. If we want intimacy in a relationship we can not be waiting for the other person to be intimate. We have to be intimacy ourselves. We have to develop our own experience of intimacy so that no matter who we are relating to we are able to experience an intimate connection with them. The experience comes from our own dynamic and we merge and expand that experience in the presence of another - but we don't depend on them to make something happen for us. We become the experience we want to have in a relationship.

Unfortunately - or is that fortunately?- you can't change anyone but yourself. Taking the focus off your husband's in-laws and putting it on the only place you can change - yourself - will put you back in the driver's seat and leave you in an empowered position. The need you feel for close family relationships may be your call to become connection, intimacy, or support. As you grow and develop these characteristics, of the essence of close family relationships, you will not only fill up your need but also generate those characteristics in the world and attract them to you.
Good luck and have fun.

"When we know that the cause of something is in ourselves, and that we (ourselves) are one of the few things in the universe that we have the right and ability to change, we begin to get a sense of the choices we really do have, an inkling of the power we have, a feeling of being in charge of our lives, of our future, of our dreams." - John Roger and Peter McWilliams
Copyright (c) 2008 Mary Ann Copson

Mary Ann Copson is the founder of the Evenstar Mood & Energy Wellness Center for Women. With Master's Degrees in Human Development and Psychology and Counseling, Mary Ann is a Certified Licensed Nutritionist; Certified Holistic Health Practitioner; Brain Chemistry Profile Clinician. Find your Health, Wellness and Lifestyle Personal Coach at http://evenstaronline.com

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